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Joke of the Day

"[call] MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm. ME: idgaf about snow i'm a gangster. MOM: what? ME: i said thanks for calling i love you."

"What got the apple into skydiving? Pear pressure."

"Like arguing with a forest fire."

"Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up."

"Yo Mama So Fat... ...it took the Large Hadron Collider to weigh her atoms."

"Call me faithless, but I just can't believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower."

"The buildup of carbon emissions in the atmosphere is a great icebreaker."

"Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four it'd be a chicken sedan."

"What happens when an egg laughs? He cracks up"

"YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN."