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Joke of the Day

"TIL that Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He's never gonna give you Up"

"5: I cleaned my room. Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something. 5: No. Next time you can do it."

"Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?"

"Whenever I feel a conversation is becoming dull, I start talking about sunscreen... because it's topical."

"What's brown and sticky? Parcel tape."

"When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it's ""art"" and ""music"" , but when I do it I'm ""wasted"" and ""have to leave the Hardware Store"""

"My technique with women is, I sneak up behind them and scream obscenities in their ear when they turn round I'm wearing a nice sweater and holding a kitten. I call it Shock and Awwww!'"

"Knock Knock Who's there Daisy Daisy who Daisy me rollin', they hatin'"

"What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A Quarter Pounder with cheese."

"I used to date a girl that played softball... She dumped me because I wouldn't go to second base."