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Joke of the Day

"Who is the only man to record more knock outs than Mike Tyson? Bill Cosby"

"Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine."

"I shake my head at people's stupidity so often that no one will even notice if I get Parkinson's."

"I broke up with my girlfriend today Now I need to buy that movie again!"

"Eating at a T.G.I. Fridays on a Monday tastes like lies."

"You'd think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good."

"What do gay horses eat? Horse cock."

"Life tip: If you're curious if you've gotten fat, have a kid draw your picture."

"Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan? Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull. Fan light: Ok wow like I'm right here"

"BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic ME: *covers face with hands* BABY BOSS: oh guess he's out for lunch. I'll talk to him later"