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Joke of the Day

"Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan? Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull. Fan light: Ok wow like I'm right here"

"*rubs magic lamp, genie appears* ""You get 2 wishes."" I wish I got 3 wishes. ""Your wish is granted."" Nice, nice. ""You have 2 left."""

"Lets go to the symphony Beethoven: You guys want some symphonies tonight!? Crowd: **cheers loudly** Beethoven: I can't hear you!"

"Being the life of the party doesn't mean being the whore of the night."

"As a commercial livestock hauler I've delivered quite a few donkeys in my time I suppose you could say my clients get their ass handed to them"

"I'm not a pessimist. I'm a depressed realist."

"How do you ask for a cigarette in spain? Tapas a snout!"

"How do you stump an archaeologist? Hand them a used tampon and ask what period it comes from."

"Whats yellow and dangerous? Shark infested custard"

"Why did the console peasant cross the road? To render the buildings on the other side."