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Joke of the Day

"Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan? Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull. Fan light: Ok wow like I'm right here"

"Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you're sleeping."

"Polish math prodigy Knock knock! Who's there? Polish math prodigy with slurred speech. Polish math prodigy with slurred speech who? Toomasz Whizzski"

"CNN is running a spot called ""Why Tsumanis are Dangerous"". They should follow it with a spot on ""Why Journalism Is Dead""."

"Accidentally left creatine out on the counter overnight and there's a bigass 3"" tall ant in my kitchen calling me bro now... scared to go in"

"How does a fencer earn their karma? Ripostes."

"Muslim artists threw some paint bombs at a local building... They blue it up."

"Since I started my diet my pants are two sizes too big! Granted I just bought a bunch of pants that are two sizes too big."

"Why does Bernie know he'll win the elections? Because his good friend Nostradamus told him he would."

"""How do you know that God isn't a woman?"" Because I'm not a sandwich."