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Joke of the Day

"Went in for a tonsillectomy. Surgeon did a frontal lobectomy instead. I complained... ... really gave 'em a piece of my mind!"

"Just used shampoo so fortifying that a giant brick wall manifested around me in the shower & I guess this is my home now."

"""I'll have to report you sir"" said the traffic cop to the speeding driver. ""You were doing 85 miles an hour."" ""Nonsense officer"" declared the driver. ""I've only been in the car for ten minutes."""

"Who is the biggest singer right now? Ariana Grande"

"Half of all marriages end in divorce. That's not so bad. The other half end in death!"

"What's another name for dick pics? Junk mail!"

"What do you call Jehova's Witnesses in Chinese Ding Dong"

"I don't like telling people I used to be a stalker. It sounds better saying ""I spent a lot of time studying a broad."""

"Doctor told me I will die soon. Bastard found out I was banging his wife."

"[mom unloads groceries] if there's one thing i love, besides my wild little rascals, it's subscribing to twenty different online tv services"