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Joke of the Day

"What did the egg say to the boiling water? It might take me awhile to get hard, I just got laid by this chick."

"A cheetah stalking its prey would envy the velocity at which I click the skip button when Apple Music plays a Nickelback track"

"Why are pigs such early risers? Did you ever try to shut off a rooster?"

"If I was a serial killer my name would be ""The suspense"" So my victims would be like ""oh no, the suspense is killing me"" And then we would both laugh right before I kill them."

"How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only one. We are very efficient and not very funny..."

"*takes bite of cookie* Aw man this is awful *takes another bite* Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better"

"If a rooster lays an egg on a triangular roof, which side does it roll down? Neither! Roosters don't lay eggs!"

"WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine. FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied. ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula."

"Doctor, How was the surgery? surgery? But... was this not an autopsy???!!!"

"Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!? Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen"