203217

Joke of the Day

"A cyclist gets into an accident... As he's wheeled into the hospital, he looks to the bed next to him and sees Bono. His face lights up, and he asks, ""U2?"""

"When I woke up this morning, the garbage disposal was making a funny noise. Turns out he was just masturbating in the next room."

"My Grandpa once said, ""Your generation relies too much on technology!"" I replied, ""No, your generation relies too much on technology!"" Then I unplugged his life support."

"[Interview] ""Why'd you leave ur last job?"" My boss felt threatened by me [Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]"

"Why did Johnny teach the cockatoo to do a front flip? So he could say he flipped the bird. ^I'm^not^very^good^at^these"

"What do you call a cow that gets an abortion? De-calf-inated"

"Where do Americans buy their groceries in Afghanistan? At the infideli counter."

"I have, a really beautiful body under my floor boards"

"What do you call a paraplegic with Ebola? A parabola."

"I loathe earlier versions of myself as though they were separate people."