201335

Joke of the Day

"if you press ""up down up down left right left right"" on the soft spot of the baby's head, they do a super move."

"What car do insects drive? A Volkswagen automobile."

"[goes back in time to murder baby Hitler] wow long line of people here to kill him [goes back to murder myself] how is this line even longer"

"Doctor: ""Just lie back and relax, I'll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment."" *Turns on laser* *Patient's face is attacked by cats*"

"Don't post negative things here Electrons"

"How do you make a nun pregnant? NSFW Dress her up as an altar boy."

"I always carry cake, just in case someone pulls a knife on me."

"My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full."

"You know, once I entered a pun contest, I gave in 10 puns hoping one would win Unfortunately, no pun in ten did"

"January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY January 2: [works out] Jan 3: [kind of works out] Jan 4: [too busy to work out] Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT"