199970

Joke of the Day

"My friend asked me if her breath smelled like tacos. I said, ""I don't know, do you put shit in your tacos?"""

"Friends with an ex? I don't even want to be friends with my friends."

"The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it's me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me"

"Who succeeded the first President of the USA ? The second one !"

"How do you get Akbar to shut up? Muzzle'm."

"If a woman wants to date me, she has to meet my strict criteria 1. Hair 2. At least one eye 3. A pulse 4. Not that bothered about 1"

"I was going to book a holiday to Sweden But then I realised I couldn't af-fjord it"

"all pans are no-stick pans if you no-cook in them."

"Hilary Clinton, Bill O'Reilly and Brian Williams walk into a bar Well not necessarily a bar per se and they didn't actually walk in and they weren't together...Ok I made it all up"

"Where would you find an algebraic Sailors hat? Indice"