199745

Joke of the Day

"Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?! 900 of you don't read my shit."

"[Spelling bee] Judge: ""Your word is unhelpful."" Kid: ""Can you use it in a sentence please?"" Judge: ""Nope."""

"Why did they stop serving beer at Miami Marlins games? They didn't have enough pitchers."

"What's a zombies favorite exercise? Deadlifts"

"What does it say on Billy Mays' s tomb stone? BILLY MAYS HERE!"

"diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don't wear any."

"The body is 70% water.. So cool, you're not fat you're just flooded.."

"What's the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law."

"What do the African nations Zimbabwe, Tanzania, Mozambique, Zambia, and Swaziland have in common? A lot of da Z's."

"Lots of people cry while chopping onions. The trick is to not form an emotional attachment."