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Joke of the Day

"My favorite name for a planet is Saturn... it has a nice ring to it."

"If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It's SET THEM FREE isn't it? Sorry burning loved one."

"What do you call a show full of lions ? The mane event !"

"My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids."

"Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors."

"Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once."

"What's the difference between Hitler and Keemstar? Hitler knew when to kill himself. Edit: Holy shit 200+ likes."

"Knowing its International Women's Day is the only thing I know about women."

"A port-a-potty truck blocked my car in at work so I couldn't leave.. But hey, shit happens."

"I need a punctuation mark that is halfway between a period and an exclamation point so I can answer texts without sounding bored or insane."