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Joke of the Day

"Me to 6 year old trick or treater dressed as a witch: ""I wish you'd cackle less"" Her: Give me a snickers you old piece of shit"

"My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I've never been more scared of a drink in all of my life."

"What do Pokemon Go and Tinder have in common? Both give you a good chance of catching something"

"It's so expensive ""How much do the potatoes cost?"" - ""2.50."" - ""And the bag?"" - ""The bag is free."" - ""Ok, give me the bag."""

"I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today"

"I'm working on a book for dyslexics right now. It's incredibly difficult, cause I'm doing it all in palindromes."

"You know what they say about killing bees... It's a real buzzkill."

"Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I've seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best."

"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets."

"If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple ""Thank you"" would be nice... ...None of that ""How did you get into my house?"" business."