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Joke of the Day

"You know what the doctor told the midget? You'll have to be a little patient."

"How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one. They hold the bulb and expect the world to revolve around them. Edit: missed the y in they Thanks u/HapaHeather"

"10:00pm *gets a snack* 10:01pm *turns on tv* 10:02pm *glances at twitter for 8 seconds* February"

"My Grandpa got his tongue shot off in the war... But He never talks about it."

"the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you're about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person"

"What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone? I can't make a vitamin"

"What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb."

"My son: ""Dad what's a douche bag?"" Me: see that guy sitting with his friends wearing a Bluetooth?...."

"I'm opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint. I really think my ""Whites Only!"" restaurant idea will be a hit!"

"i still play that game where the floor is lava but now i just lie on the couch and watch tv until it cools into igneous rock"