197924

Joke of the Day

"As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed... And then I remembered I got gas."

"I want to study... the area below your curves... It is integral."

"Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people's lives to avoid buying gifts. You're welcome."

"How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, two, two"

"It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. "

"You can't ban me from your neighborhood just because I ""look scary"" and ""want to kill you."" That's discrimination."

"A father walks in on his son... A father walks in on his son masturbating. The father says, ""Son, If you keep masturbating you'll go blind!"" The son replies, ""Dad, I'm over here."""

"You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes - why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?"

"Give a man a compliment & he'll be all, ""Yeah, I've been working out."" Teach a man to fish for a compliment & he'll be all, ""I feel SO fat."""

"Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like"