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Joke of the Day

"Guys, I ran the numbers, and each 1000 Twitter followers adds about as much actual value and happiness to your life as a taco."

"Why doesn't Meghan Trainor eat salmon? Because she's all about that bass"

"Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it's little Lego friends."

"You know why Russia is more productive? They're rushin'"

"On Thanksgiving, how does Miley Cyrus stuff her bird? You don't want to know."

"But I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more to be the man who walked 1000 miles to get away from you. I want a divorce."

"What do you call it when you run out of seed? Endosperm."

"why does the ad before the thing I want to watch play with ease but the thing I want to watch is like OH NO I'M FREAKING OUT BUFFER! BUFFER!"

"Of all the millions of candidates in history, it figures that Hitler would be the one to keep his campaign promises."

"Judging from the sounds in my trunk this guy would have had an excellent career as a drummer."