172323

Joke of the Day

"Of all the millions of candidates in history, it figures that Hitler would be the one to keep his campaign promises."

"Nitrogen Monoxide Having Nitrogen Monoxide as parents would really suck. Every time you ask them for something, they'd just be like, ""NO""."

"How did the butcher introduce his wife? MEET PATTY"

"All Canadians are hipsters because they all celebrated Thanksgiving a month before it was cool."

"My greatest fear is that I'll be reported as a missing person and my family guesstimates my weight way higher than what I actually weigh"

"The only thing I know about Women: They don't like being told what to do unless they're naked."

"It's adorable how I write ""beer"" on my shopping list like I'd somehow forget."

"Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team? Me: Guys aren't my thing. But, Tom Brady's kinda cute. Jim: No, I- Me: Ooh! Cam Newton's dreamy, too!"

"How does Planned Parenthood paint their walls? They go to Home Depot, get paint and rollers Sometimes they hire private contractors Lots of paint and tarps and tape, it's not that fun"

"A woman marries a man..... A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does."