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Joke of the Day

"I love it when I go to untie a shoe and inadvertently tie a Double Reverse Hitch knot and have to hire an Eagle Scout to get my sneaker off."

"ME: honey, it's really muggy out today WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u ME: *sips coffee from bowl*"

"I don't think Flounder I caught today was very happy with me. He was looking at me kinda sideways."

"Procrastination is just like Masturbation It's fun while you're doing it until you realize all you did was fuck yourself."

"How do you stop an angry elephant from charging ? Take away it's credit cards !"

"I was recently diagnosed with mesothelioma it's tough sometimes, but I'm doing asbestos I can."

"There once was an algebraic instructionswoman who did not rinse out her mouth The function of Listerine to her breath varied inversely, as the function of Listerine went undefined throughout the year."

"Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes in the bathroom."

"Robocop's guns malfunction. Robocop gets sued for manslaughter. Robocop loses his home. Hobocop."

"Why did Chris Benoit quit wrestling? He wanted to hang with his family. "