194946

Joke of the Day

"WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won't know what she is saying* ME: [to the kids] I don't know either."

"[NSFW] Who did the gay porn actor thank when he got an award? His penis for all the shit I went through and all his ass for all the dicks it dealt with."

"What followed the dinosaur ? It's tail !"

"If I ever run into my doppelganger I'm going to steal his liver."

"MIL: You're going to give me a heart attack someday! M: Last time I checked you didn't even have a heart."

"What's the difference between OP and a brick? A brick gets laid!"

"A N U S B U T T M U F F ~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see"

"12,000 BCE: Humans hunt woolly mammoths with stone-tipped spears. 2012 AD: I apply acne medication to my cat's chin."

"I went to the psychiatrist today I told him that I have started hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist."

"I think i am allergic to leather. Every time i wake up with my shoes on, i have a huge headache."