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Joke of the Day

"""Y'know, she was actually pretty convincing."" - Me walking out of a movie where Meryl Streep plays a Chinese UFC fighter"

"Willpower? Sure. It's in the garage with my unicorn."

"Went to ""The Social Network."" I ran into people I didn't like in high school and they kept showing me pictures of their kids."

"""The concept of romantic love is obsolete in the modern era"" I declare loudly to no one in particular as I grab for another dinner roll."

"We all have that one friend with the hot sister everyone wants to get with."

"Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities."

"The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can't even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza."

"I want to wear glasses just so I can take them off and rub my eyes with my palms in exasperation when someone says something stupid."

"Mom I am 15 now, can I finally wear a bra? No John."

"Why are Michael J. Fox's milkshakes the best? He uses the best ingredients Stay classy ;)"