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Joke of the Day

"I'm pretty sober. But I'm prettier drunk."

"Please listen closely... Attention: Tonight I will attempt to travel back in time and change history. You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses WWII and Wednesday comes *after* Tuesday."

"There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away."

"Why do chemists call helium, curium, and barium 'the medical elements'? Because, if you can't 'helium' or 'curium', you 'BARIUM'!"

"Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?"

"*holding a glass of white wine with 2 hands like it's a mug of hot cocoa*"

"Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering ""Aren't you too pretty to be a Chancellor?"""

"Mark Ruffalo Went into a Job Interview The interviewer asked ""What's your strong suit?"" ""Oh, you know, the Hulk costume."""

"Why didn't the fat duck have any friends? Because he was ostrich-sized."

"What do you call someone who makes horribly lame jokes? A redditor"