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Joke of the Day

"ME: What an emotional roller coaster ROLLER COASTER: [calling out to me as I exit the park] Why are you leaving??!! Is it something I said?"

"Knock-knock. Who's there? Beefst."

"Considering we've produced Miley Cyrus and Kanye West, I'm more surprised other countries haven't built a wall around the U.S."

"Be on the lookout for a armed psychic midget who just robbed a bank and got away....the police now have a SMALL MEDIUM at LARGE!! ba dum dum"

"*getting married Priest: will you love & honor her? Me: I will Her: [whispers to priest] Priest: and leave your phone unlocked? Me: I'm out"

"[therapy] WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny"

"If you every lose a friend that party's a lot don't worry... They'll eventually turn up"

"I asked a poor pirate why he had a seagull on his shoulder instead of a proper parrot. ""Arrrr...it were on sail.'"

"HR: Me: HR: Me: HR: ""..16. 16 STAPLES in Diane's forehead..."" Me: HR: Me: ""..it was the last twizzler"" HR: Me: HR: Me: *eats twizzler*"

"We don't talk about the Duggar family in our house anymore. The subject is a bit too touchy."