193826

Joke of the Day

"""So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another"" -How I Met Your Stepmother"

"What's the best way to piss off your best friend? Stand on top of his head and make it rain."

"""Of course you can trust me. Look, I'll prove it. Close your eyes and fall backwards. I'll catch you."" *Bing! Twitter notification!* Thud."

"[stacks of books on floor] Impressive, son. [son places pizza on one stack, soda & cookies on others] ""Yep; perfect height"" [turns on Xbox]"

"I have sensitive teeth..... And I'm afraid I'll say something to hurt their fillings."

"Don't call it a comeback.. .. It's mostly in your hair."

"What did the Ethiopian Government say when the United States sent over 1 million condoms to promote safe sex? Thanks for the sleeping bags"

"why do women fake orgasms? because they think men care."

"I like my women like I like my Poke Stops. Ready to go again in 5 minutes."

"You give me Epsilon, I give you Delta. Together, we find limits."