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Joke of the Day

"""So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another"" -How I Met Your Stepmother"

"The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my house. I didn't know what to make of it."

"What do you call a cow that's had an abortion? Decaffeinated"

"ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it? ME: Haha. Yeah definitely"

"You know who really likes debates? De fish"

"Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying ""Don't worry, we cleaned it up"""

"""This soup was so good I wish I could just...NOMCRNCHNCH"" *chewing glass* ""There must be a better way!"" -Inventing the bread bowl"

"A monk walks up to a hot dog stand he says to the cart owner, ""Make me one with everything."""

"It's a bird. It's a plane. No its... ""Steve, you're fired. Air traffic control just isn't for you."""

"The person sleeping next to you is statistically more likely to murder you than any other person on the entire planet. Do the dishes."