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Joke of the Day

"Didn't want cats ... had 2 cats. Didn't want marriage ... got married 2 times. Ok Karma ... I'm on to you. I don't want a million dollars"

"My friend's offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding. She's probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go :)"

"Can someone help me figure out how much water I need to add to this baby powder in order to make a baby?"

"What is harder said than done? Your mom"

"DOG BOSS: Any messages for me? DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy DOG BOSS: who's Agoodboy? DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*"

"On a scale of 1 - 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I'm about a 5."

"What has eyes but can't see? Hellen Keller"

"Why was the computer tired when he got home? Because he had a hard drive!"

"I won a fight that was five against one in Baltimore today. We totally kicked the shit out of that guy."

"Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all"