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Joke of the Day

"Me: ""You didn't tell me that."" Them: ""Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone."" Me (looks up): ""I'm sorry, what?"""

"What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Beat the fuck out of her so it doesn't happen again."

"20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him 40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU"

"What did the Nuclear Engineer get for his birthday? Yellow Cake http://imgur.com/gallery/FGFV1Em/new"

"Politicians have more need of diapers than babies because they're full of way more shit."

"What does an Asian person say when asked, ""does the carpet match the drapes?"" I don't have a carpet; I have an Oriental rug."

"CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let's build stuff. UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*"

"[Talking to a giant banana] ""Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"""

"Why did the plant use a dating service? To find its stomate!"

"Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all."