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Joke of the Day

"Yo momma cooks so bad... The flys all chipped in and fixed the screen door. >we're here all night, don't forget to tip your waiter!!"

"""Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?"" Well, Katy, I'm thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that's a pretty apt simile"

"My iPhone could say that I have a voicemail from God and I still wouldn't listen to it."

"My wife thinks that I'm too nosy... At least that's what she keeps scribbling in her diary."

"I just want a woman that will look out for me while I'm shaking the vending machine"

"What candy do you give your wife before you get married? Pre-nup brittle."

"*opens present HER: What is this? ME: It's The One Ring. I fought orcs for it. HER: They didn't have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?"

"[running from a knife wielding murderer] oh hell yeah, my Fitbit steps are gonna be OFF THE SCALE today"

"I had a girlfriend with a parakeet. We had to break up cause it would never shut up. But the bird was cool."

"What's up, girl? Do you like bad boys [kicks rug] or good guys [fixes rug]?"