191406

Joke of the Day

"How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat? She starts to fit in your wife's clothes"

"""Dad, how come we use plastic forks and my friends all have silverware?"" - Because they're poor and have to reuse everything. ""Pfft losers"""

"The doctor who performed my lobotomy operation did a lousy job. I have half a mind to tell him so."

"I went to church today just to thank God I'm not Miley Cyrus."

"The Muffin Joke Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One turned to the other and said ""Hey, it's pretty hot in here, isn't it?"" The other turned and shouted ""Oh my god a talking muffin!"""

"My girlfriend told me that if I took her to get sushi, I didn't have to use a condom after. She's getting the raw end of that deal!"

"Whelp. It's December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty."

"BOSS: I'm sorry I just don't trust your judgment. ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain.."

"I asked a friend of mine from New Zealand how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but he fell asleep."

"Why did the butcher get fired? For bringing home the bacon."