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Joke of the Day

"I don't want Harriet Tubman on my $20's I don't want them to be worth 3/5 of their value"

"What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? Flatbread"

"It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it's the right brand so it doesn't get the hose again."

"If someone calls me ""boo"" I automatically assume they're trying to scare me."

"I was at the confessional booth the other day and I asked the priest if he thought it would be a good idea to stop masturbating He said ""Sure, If it bothers you, I'll stop""."

"I won the drowning competition. Wanna know my secret? Well, don't hold your breath!"

"I just rode the scariest ride called SPIDER DESCENDING FROM THE CEILING OF MY CAR INTO MY LAP WHILE DRIVING 70 MPH"

"I told a boy I loved him once. We were 6. He punched my arm & stole my cake. Life lesson. Never lose sight of what's important. #Cake."

"""You only want my daughter for one thing!"" yelled my girlfriend's mother. ""That's your fault for not teaching her to cook,"" I said."

"Alcohol is like photoshop for reality."