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Joke of the Day

"Santa is a smart guy. Visits people only once a year."

"i started carrying a knife on me after an attempted mugging three years ago. since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful."

"Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff."

"I'm off to a 3yr olds party. There'll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun."

"Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure."

"Why don't Rooster's wear underwear? Because their pecker's on their face"

"What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my cock into your ass!"

"ME: will it hurt? DR: u ever been stung by like, 500 bees? ME: omg no! DR: ok. that's not what it's gonna feel like. I was just wondering"

"why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the ooooootheeeeer siiiiiiiiiiiidddeeee!!!"

"Based on the things my kid will and won't eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair."