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Joke of the Day

"I'm off to a 3yr olds party. There'll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun."

"I'll do almost anything to lose weight. But exercising and eating properly is where I draw the line."

"How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They just beat the walls because they are black"

"Sex is a misdemeanor.. De more I miss, de meanor I get."

"What to NEVER EVER EVER say to a fat girl (or a girl who is overly conscious of her own weight). (OC) As part of our team, you're expected to pull your own weight."

"What do you get when you cross a judge and a potato? A Dicktater."

"It's Saturday! Go for a walk! Pay your bills! Take up smoking! Shave a loved one! Steal a baby!"

"[high school] Teacher: do u have your homework? Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night"

"Why should you never date someone with a lazy-eye...? Because you never know if they're seeing someone on the side."

"How many social justice warriors does it take to change a lightbulb? One. They just hold the lightbulb and cry until the universe spins around them."