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Joke of the Day

"Me: ""Hey towel, you're looking good. What u doing later?"" Wife: That's not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot."

"Her: Let's go shopping. Me: In your dreams. Her: The boutique has Wi-Fi. Me: Why are we still here?"

"""You know how everyone's favorite part of the sandwich is the meat well what if we added an extra slice of bread?"" Inventor of club sandwich"

"NURSE: Doctor, I've lost the cat's pulse VET: Ok. Time of death is 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, and 10:05"

"What is Donald Trump telling Barack Obama supporters? Orange Is The New Black!"

"My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger. --how I cancel dates"

"El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato."

"Why was Kermit chased by nazis as a kid? He was a Tad-Pole"

"""no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!"" she said. ""IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO"""

"I used to have a 2 year old son, he died the same way Eric Clapton's son died... For inspiration"