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Joke of the Day

"Today marks a full year of keeping the baby alive. Now I want a goldfish"

"19 and 20 got in a fight 21"

"Motivating words are harder with autocorrect... - Archive your dreams. - Be excrement to each other. - Nottingham is impossible. - The only thing standing in your way is autocorrect."

"Little Girl: mom, I want to be an alligator when I grow up Mom: well, pick one. You can't be...acghhghh! Stop eating me! Aghhghhh...ah..a...bleh."

"I will not sleep until I find a cure for my insomnia."

"How do you turn a seal into a sea lion? Remove an electron."

"I have a gardening tool that I use to dig up large amounts of treasure So yeah, I got a big booty hoe"

"Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don't like on"

"What room does a ghost not need? A living room"

"I had to get knee surgery the other day... now my knee is a faux-knee"