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Joke of the Day

"SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME."

"What's the difference between a pun and a dad joke? A pun can make you groan, but a dad joke goes even father."

"I traded my blowup doll in for a middle eastern version.. It blows itself up.."

"[ First Date ] Her: So you're a MMA fighter? * flashback to me kickboxing a mannequin at Nordstrom's * Me: Yea, I'm still training"

"Friday night. Sitting in a bar. As the designated driver. NO, I'M NOT BITTER. I'M PUNCHING YOU IN THE FACE OUT OF A SENSE OF WONDER."

"Why were the Libyans eating money? They were having dinar."

"I don't delete annoying people out of my phone. I give them new names so I know not to answer. ""Always needs a favor"" is calling, decline."

"The Guy who traded a hat for things of equal or greater worth... No, seriously; let me know if you want to trade me something for my hat."

"Moses, Jesus and Muhammad are walking into a bar. Cries the barkeeper: ""If this is gonna be a joke that guy has to stay out!"""

"5-year-old: What are Nazis? Me: Bad people who we killed a long, long time ago 5: Why were they bad? Me: They kept correcting our grammar"