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Joke of the Day

"[breaking up yet another fight] Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters? 6-year-old: Because I always win."

"Wishing for bad shit to happen to people you hate is so wrong. You gotta be way more proactive than that."

"Thanks to Twitter I now consider 140 characters ""literature""."

"I want to tell you a scoliosis joke but it's completely out of line."

"I cannot even fathom how deep the snow is back east! Get my drift?"

"I used to be terrible at Valentines' Day too... But then I took an arrow in the knee."

"Almost every McDonalds A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'."

"Scared the postman by going to the door naked. I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived."

"4yo: What do you love most in the world? Me: You & your brother 4yo: Oh Me: What about you? 4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies Me: Oh"

"A man walks into a bar... ...with a gun, and shouts, ""Who fucked my wife, I'm gonna kill him!"" Another man at the bar turns around and says ""You ain't got enough bullets mate!"""