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Joke of the Day

"[GF comes home to find our son alone] Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk! ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM"

"What do you call two pencils fighting? A grafight."

"Why doesn't Santa hitch his sleigh to a pig? Pigs don't have red noses."

"Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911? A: She can't find the eleven."

"What does a DrugLord and a TimeLord have in common... They both have two hearts, but one keeps his spare in a cooler."

"*1st date* [Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3] So where do y- *internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*"

"Go away, mosquito. I've already had the blood drained out of me by my job."

"[1st date] HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u? ME: OMG SAME HER: What part's ur fave? ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo"

"What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? (NSFW) At least a zit waits you're a teenage boy before it cums on your face."

"What caused Captain Morgan's shipwreck? He was on the rocks."