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Joke of the Day

"Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911? A: She can't find the eleven."

"Why was the Shire so shocked when Bilbo threw himself and Sam into Mt. Doom? They were the first citizens they ever lost to a Mordor-suicide like that."

"Sure, I have gluten free Halloween candy for your kid. *Reaches in pocket & pulls out middle finger* Get off my lawn before I call the cops"

"Everyone knows that if you pee in a dream, you pee in real life... But did you know that if you go off a guard rail in a dream, you go off a guard rail in real life?"

"I tried to start a conversation with a mute Native American but he didn't know ""how."""

"Eye height that know won nose how two spell. Eye height it sew much it makes me blew. It snot fare."

"""What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?"" - God creating birds"

"What's black and runny? Usain Bolt."

"[phone rings] ""Hello?"" Hi, is your refrigerator running? ""WTF?"" ...well Hillary is! Hi, I'd like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign."

"Coworker *parks Prius Coworker 2 *locks bike up Me *bounces by on jumping exercise ball made of recycled tires* POSERS!"