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Joke of the Day

"[Fitbit commercial with me] BEFORE: lazy guy AFTER: lazy guy who had $129"

"Apparently my neighbor down the hall doesn't watch porn. She came over 20 minutes ago asking I could fix her sink and I'm still fixing it."

"Life is like a box of chocolates If you're fat it's not going to last long."

"The Boy in the Striped Pajamas is the only movie I've ever cried to... I laughed so hard I cried"

"All I'm saying is that Miley Cyrus was on the Disney Channel and had her clothes on when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama."

"What do you call a farting fatass? Gas giant."

"Oh, I'm just in the bathroom stall, standing on the toilet. So yeah, it's 4/20 & I'm totally high on pot."

"I made a pass at my girlfriend's mum and my girlfriend is furious... She tripped over the ball and broke her nose."

"Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 was arrested for manslaughter."