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Joke of the Day

"To catch a woman, one must think like a woman. *places glass of wine, and Channing Tatum dvd on mouse trap"

"What's the fastest way to lose weight? Puking and shitting at the same time."

"One plus of being a fast walker is that when I'm forced to walk slowly with another person, I can pretend I'm on the moon"

".@petco None of the pets I purchase from you shrug and say ""It's a living"" when I use them in place of household appliances."

"So I encountered my friend with a penguin next to him.. So I said to my friend: ""You should take that penguin to the zoo"" So he responds: ""I already did that, but he didn't like it"""

"Just watched two of my kids try and fail to open a cereal box so I've concluded that playing Mozart during pregnancy is bullshit."

"Apparently the norwegian government pays for you to hire convicts I guess there are some pro's to hirin a con."

"Some people come into your life for a reason. Like for target practice."

"What do you call a Hispanic midget? Paragraph. Because he's not even a full ese."

"My neighbour told me I'd left my lights on. I told her she'd left her big nose on."