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Joke of the Day

"Don't stay inside and get depressed about the news. Go outside and get skin cancer!"

"Me: [getting stabbed by criminal] buddy this seems illegal"

"Just once I'd like to make it through a game of mini golf without having to smash someone's windshield out with the putter"

"how do you hide from hitler? Standstill.... he can nazi."

"Wait, you're citing me for reckless driving? I can count three from here!"

"I bought a little boy kitten yesterday, I named him F14. However he's really straggly... ...So unfortunately today I've had to spend all day today Grumman my Tomcat. Thank you, thank you."

"What happens when you combine alcohol and literature? Tequila Mockingbird"

"Even the best men in the Chinese military Have chinks in their armor"

"As soon as the inauguration is over, I'm getting a position on Trump's ethics committee. I'm not political, I just need some quite time alone."

"I haven't got a Twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I'm doing at random times. So far I've got 3 followers but I think 2 are cops."