184471

Joke of the Day

"Parole officer: Come in and take a seat [me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*"

"Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So people don't mistake them for feminists."

"oh sally Why did sally fall off the swing? Because she had no arms Knock Knock Who's there? NOT SALLY!"

"I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly"

"Girls treat guys like monkey bars. They don't let go of the last one until they got a grip on the next one."

"16: 'We should put a flat screen on the wall!' Wife: 'I really don't like mounting things.' Me: *mumbles 'No shit.' W: 'What was that??'"

"Black people have 3 things that are white. Their eyeballs, their teeth, and... their masters"

"Who's your friend?"

"Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple."

"My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses"