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Joke of the Day

"I really think they should rename the ""Twin"" size mattress to ""Jack"", since it makes more sense along with the King and Queen sizes, and that's mostly what happens in that size bed anyway."

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"When I tell you I butt-dialed you, I'm not saying it was an accident, I just want you to be impressed."
"My penis is in the Guinness Book of World Records... ...I wonder how long I can keep it here until I got kicked out of the library."
"""My Cocaine"" How Michael Caine says his name..."
"Why were the people in the Twin Towers so upset about their pizza order? They ordered pepperoni but all they got was plane."
"Was Hitler really such a bad guy? After all, he did kill Hitler."
"accidentally added a ""z"" to the end of the word ""think"" in a text and suddenly my jeans are sagging below my ass and i have 3 chains on"
"You don't hear much from our Vice President.... Obama zipped him up and he's a-biden. Edit: typo. For you, grammar nazis."
"one time a girl asked for my number and i got so nervous that i accidentally gave her my social security number"
"What did the fish say when it swam into a cement wall? DAM!"