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Joke of the Day

"The past, the present and the future walk into a bar. Then things get tense."

"This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?"

"Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I've had to do."

"HEY GUYS I'M AT NXNE! WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYBODY?"

"Have you seen my LSD? No but have you seen the Dragon in the kitchen?"

"My dog: wasn't me Me: I know My dog: honest It wasn't me Me: it's ok really My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them"

"What happens when Mario parks his car outside the wrong castle? He gets Toad"

"My therapist told me that if ignorance is bliss, there's no reason for me to be on antidepressants."

"I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don't show up there."

"Why did the witch have to move out of her gingerbread house? The property taxes were gastronomical."