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Joke of the Day

"I keep my friends close *lean in, whisper* and my anemones closer ""Sir thats very fun but aquarium policy forbids sitting in the touch tank"""

Next Joke
 
"""Is this your resume?"" Yes ""It just says you used to leave shit at your friends' doors, ring the bell & run away?"" Yes ""Welcome to UPS!"""
"Why are Mistborns always so thin? Because they're always Burning calories!"
"How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a light-bulb? (It's not >9000) FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON DRAGGGGON BAAAAL ZEEEEEEEEE"
"My wife is a vegan. I'm not. I don't care if she makes more money than me. I can still say that I'm the one who brings home the bacon."
"Patient goes to the doctor about his obesity... He says ""It's not my fault doctor, obesity runs in my family."" Doctor replies, ""No the problem is no one runs in your family."""
"I'd call you a cunt but you lack the warmth and depth"
"Guys, for Valentine's Day leave 3 notes scattered around your house for your girlfriend that say ""Will"", ""you"", and ""me."" That'll keep her busy while you watch sports."
"What is it called when you are arrested for drunk driving and you extremely regret it? DU-WHY?!"
"I always knew that I could never be a lawyer because of my inability to pass a bar."