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Joke of the Day

"[first date] Me: don't let her know you're a lizard Her: why did you just say that? Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)"

"The inventor of the Red Solo Cup had died. His body was found under the sofa in the living room three days after his death."

"What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing, they're both stuck up cunts"

"Musicians with no advertising budget can simply name their band Missing Cat."

"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Trick question. Feminists can't change anything."

"What do sexist horses eat? Hay hay hay."

"That Schrodinger guy used to throw some great parties... ... about half the time."

"ME: OMG I CAN'T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR HER: do you want dessert? ME: ok, but just a small slice."

"I'm not sure who's more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror."

"What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear."