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Joke of the Day

"I remember back when I had to charge my Nokia 8210 once every 96 days. My iPhone lost 4% just typing this tweet."

"Protestants sing every verse to every hymn. Catholics know this. We think about it when we get to the bakery 20 minutes ahead of you."

"As a male college student, the only thing that's disappearing faster than my money... is my Kleenex."

"[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week] ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I'm not dead!"

"What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist? One treats what you have the other thinks you have what he treats."

"Carmen Sandiego is probably in San Diego"

"Did you hear Uber and Lyft are merging? They're rebranding as ""Luber: For when you need to come fast!"""

"The only good thing about being a chemist... Is that no one knows what I'm doing with my dog when I tell them ""I'll be in my lab""."

"I'm gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I'm doing, just to even the score."

"I've built a labyrinth for my pigs. It's ham-mazing."