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Joke of the Day

"Some of my friends are doctors and human rights activists and I just spent the last 22 minutes trying to open a pistachio."

"X-post from r/jokes: Mommy! I found a $10 bill today, but I threw it away, cus it was fake. ""Oh, how did you know it was fake?"" ""It had two zeroes instead of one."""

"What's got four legs and one arm? A Rottweiler."

"How does a train eat? It goes chew chew."

"The recipe said ""Set the oven to 180 degrees,"" so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall."

"Once I get tan this summer there's going to be literally only one thing that can stop me: simple carbohydrates"

"What idiot called it synthetic cannabis instead of Crock Pot?"

"spraypainting ""CHEATER"" on my car to make it look like im sexually active"

"Why did the Time Traveler give Julius Caeser a BJ? He wanted to go down on history."

"I admire the way that, even with millions of followers, celebrities on Twitter rarely succumb to the pressure to be funny."