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Joke of the Day

"There are some days when I just really do not want to wake up early and go to work. I call these days Monday Friday."

"If you ever Google ""Grandfather Clock"", be careful how you spell that shit."

"Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie"

"Descriptivism is the right way of managing the English language, irregardless of what you think."

"What's the difference between children and Isis? Drones can't tell either"

"AC changed bail to basil, and now I'm sitting in jail with some lovely herbs."

"How can you tell if someone lifts? Don't worry, they'll tell you."

"When did you find out Santa wasn't real? For me it was when I noticed he had the same birthmark on his cock as my uncle."

"Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it's not gonna help us find my iguana any faster."

"I'm trying to get my wife to quit smoking. Maybe I should slow down and use a lubricant."