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Joke of the Day

"AC changed bail to basil, and now I'm sitting in jail with some lovely herbs."

"They say not to text and drive, but I still feel totally fine after like two texts"

"For the record..when you get punched in the face..it doesn't make that movie sound...at all."

"My wife and I only smoke cigarettes after sex I've had the same pack since we were married but she's up to three packs a day! (Thanks, Rodney!)"

"Two hipsters walked into a bar. One did it before it was cool and the second did it ironically."

"Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she's in charge of North Korea."

"The worst thing about when someone tells you to chillax is what to do with their corpse."

"Is it just me? Or does amy schumer look like sarah silvermann sounds?"

"Your son has been suspended ""for what?"" He hit a kid who was picking on another child ""so what, yall ran out of ice cream to give him?"""

"I was worried because I heard a beep and didn't know if it was my cell, iPod, Wii, Skype, Facebook, email, Twitter or TV. Thank God it was just the fire alarm."