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Joke of the Day
"What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? 100 people who don't do dick."
Next Joke
"Me: *lying nude on checkered blanket* Him: ""Where's the food and why are you naked?"" Me: ""Am I doing it wrong? This is my first picnic."""
"My Grandmother always leaves long voicemails. Its 5 minutes of her talking and 10 minutes of her trying to hang up the phone."
"What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea? A salad shooter."
"I haven't spoken to my wife in 8 days because she hates it when I interrupt her"
"I hate it when homeless people shake their cups of money at me I get it, you have more money than me. No need to rub it in"
"People keep saying I need to be more assertive Is that okay?"
"When I'm with you, I'm breathless. My pulse quickens and I can feel my entire body getting hot. Also, you're a treadmill and I'm asthmatic."
"How do you make a bandstand? Take away their chairs"
"Operator: ""9-1-1 please hold..."" Me: ""Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second."" Murderer: ""K."""