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Joke of the Day

"My partner is a dog person, I'm not. Gets really fucking inconvenient every full moon."

"[*Wakes up on sofa] ""Did I...DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?"" Wife [from bedroom]: ""YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN."""

"What's better than being up to your knees in beer? Being up to your nuts in cider."

"Why does Vincent van Gogh always look forward to thenew year? Because everyone wishes him a new ear."

"The ONE time I actually want to say ""duck"", damn you autocorrect! ""Sorry again! I'd love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond"""

"Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn't know who he was."

"What did one boob say to the other boob? You're my breast friend"

"Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don't even look at my wife that much."

"I'd be less introverted if the conversations in my head weren't better than the conversations I have with other people."

"Why did the dyslexic man have slime on his face? Because I told him a good joke."