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Joke of the Day

"My partner is a dog person, I'm not. Gets really fucking inconvenient every full moon."

"I met up with my ex-fiance today and immediately began having sex The police did not take it well as I was only asked to identify the body."

"if a child of mine is ever incredibly muscular at birth i would consider naming it XERXES in all caps like that"

"People in California be like Tree down walkway closed!"

"Two cannibals are eating a comedian ""Does this guy taste a little funny to you?"""

"I'm a leader, not a follower... Unless it's into a dark place, then screw that, you're going first."

"I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry."

"I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if architects in those days had just made their towns big enough for everyone."

"If I worked for Papa Johns as a delivery man I would break down every door with an axe as I say ""Here's Johnny!"" Guaranteed tips."

"What's the difference between a Chickpea and a Garbanzo Bean? I didn't just pay $500 to have a Garbanzo Bean on my face."