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Joke of the Day

"Tried to catch fog yesterday Mist"

"Why are oranges like bells? You can peel (peal) both of them."

"Google glasses? No thanks, too much tech. It's weird ""You can secretly watch Netflix at work"" Oh, please take literally all of my money."

"What do you get with breaking news? News casts."

"Me: did you get into my weed again? Wife *dipping a pop tart in ranch dressing* what?"

"I don't want to lock my account because I like to help my X's feel better about themselves when they check in & make sure I'm still a drunk."

"Donald Trump sure likes making fun of boxing. What with all the lightweight insults"

"I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do"

"I won't believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I've seen he's put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it."

"Now that I think about it, I probably didn't need glasses for my butt. I guess hindsight is 20/20"